Compiled by the Editors of RD.com
Did you know that lawyer jokes are so old they can be found in the works of Shakespeare? These contemporary takes are worthy of the Bard himself.
1 / 20
Criminally Funny Lawyer Jokes
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
2 / 20
The Trappiest Place on Earth
“A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing ‘It’s a Small World After All.'” — Conan O’Brien
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3 / 20
Long Tour of Duty
I work in a courthouse, so when I served jury duty, I knew most of the staff. As I sat with other prospective jurors listening to a woman drone on about how long the process was taking, a judge and two lawyers passed by, giving me a big hello. A minute later, a few maintenance workers did the same.
That set off the malcontent: “Just how long have you been serving jury duty?”
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4 / 20
A Little Too Literal
If you’re interested in becoming a lawyer, you’ll need a degree. But as these court transcripts reveal, the question is, in what?
Attorney: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
Witness: “By death.”
Attorney: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
Attorney: “Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
Witness: “All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.”
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5 / 20
I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.
“Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor,” I said.
“Linda Jones, probation officer.”
“Sam Clark, public defender.”
“John,” said the teen who was on trial. “I’m the one who stole the truck.”
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6 / 20
The First Case
An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she says. “Would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.” “Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
“Dad sued me for the money.”
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7 / 20
Court of Less Appeal
Justice isn’t just blind—it’s snickering at these real courtroom give-and-takes:
Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
Judge: Is that all?
Witness: Isn’t that enough?
Q: Isn’t it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
A: Yes, it is, but you can’t prove it!
Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth?
A: A fifth of wine?
Q: No, the Fifth Amendment.
Q: What did your sister die of?
A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.
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8 / 20
Frame of Reference
When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers.
“Have you ever dealt with an attorney?” asked the plaintiff’s lawyer.
“Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust,” she responded.
“And how did that turn out?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “Ask me when I’m dead.”
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9 / 20
After I prosecuted a man for killing a bird out of season with his slingshot, the court clerk suggested setting up a date for him to return with both the money for the fine and proof of community service. “That way,” she said innocently, “you can kill two birds with one stone.”
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10 / 20
Protesting Too Much
Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm’s client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked him, our client reacted vociferously.
“He’s lying!” he yelled. “There were only three of us.”
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11 / 20
While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: “Did you see the defendant at the scene?”
“Yes, from a block away,” the officer answered.
“Was the area well lit?”
“No. It was pretty dark.”
“Then how could you identify the defendant?” I asked, concerned.
Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered, “I’d recognize my cousin anywhere.”
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12 / 20
Running the Show
I am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders around. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom. “This is where the judge sits,” I began, pointing to the bench. “The lawyers sit at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury sits. As you can see,” I finished, “there are a lot of people involved in making this system work.”
At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, “Yeah, but I’m the one who makes it all happen.”
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13 / 20
Guilty as Charged
In Fort Worth, Texas, I was hauled before the judge for driving with expired license plates. The judge listened attentively while I gave him a long, plausible explanation.
Then he said with great courtesy, “My dear sir, we are not blaming you—we’re just fining you.”
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14 / 20
A young man I know, who recently became law clerk to a prominent New Jersey judge, was asked to prepare a suggested opinion in an important case. After working on the assignment for some time, he proudly handed in a 23-page document.
When he got it back, he found a terse comment in the judge’s handwriting on page 7: “Stop romancing—propose already.”
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15 / 20
Sidewalks were treacherous after a heavy snowstorm blanketed the University of Idaho campus. Watching people slip and slide, I gingerly made my way to class.
Suddenly I found myself on a clean, snow-free section of walkway. This is weird, I thought—until I noticed that it was directly in front of the College of Law building.
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16 / 20
Waiting for the Fine
The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the San Diego traffic court. When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting their ordeal.
“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,” he said. “Welcome to ‘What’s My Fine?’”
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17 / 20
As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.
“Milton,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”
“I was in prison,” he answered. “You should know that—you were the one who sent me there.”
“That’s not possible,” I said. “I wasn’t even a judge then.”
“No, you weren’t the judge,” the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. “You were my lawyer.”
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18 / 20
As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?
The defence attorney took a different approach, however. “I see you are a teacher,” he said. “What do you teach?”
“English and theatre,” I responded.
“Then I guess I better watch my grammar,” the defence attorney quipped.
“No,” I shot back. “You better watch your acting.”
When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.
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19 / 20
Photo: Krakenimages.com / Shutterstock.com
Not So Humble
I was once a legal secretary to a young law clerk who passed the bar exam on his third try. This fledgling attorney worked hard on his initial pleading, which should have read “Attorney at Law” at the top of the first page.
After I submitted the finished document for his review and signature, I was embarrassed when he pointed out a critical typing error. “Must you rub it in?” he asked.
I had typed: “Attorney at Last.”
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20 / 20
I was a brand-new attorney in practice alone, and I had a likewise inexperienced secretary fresh out of high school. The importance of proofreading the results of my dictation was highlighted one day when a reminder to a client’s tenant to pay her rent or suffer eviction was transcribed as follows: “You are hereby notified that if payment is not received within five business days, I will have no choice but to commence execution proceedings.”
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Originally Published on Reader's Digest
Give positive, definite answers when at all possible.
Do not guess or make up an answer. You can be positive about important things which you naturally would remember. If you are asked about little details which a person naturally would not remember, and you're unsure of the answer, it is best just to say so.
Many people view the lawyer profession as one with a high level of prestige. This typically stems from their impressive degrees and the level of authority they have over others. This profession demands respect and is often viewed as glamorous by the media.What questions should I ask a lawyer? ›
- 1) What kind of experience do you have with similar cases?
- 2) What would be your strategy for my case?
- 3) Are there any alternatives to going to court?
- 4) What are my possible outcomes?
- 5) Who will actually handle my case?
- 6) What is my role in my case?
You can enjoy financial stability
Obtaining a law degree does not guarantee financial success, but it comes close. In all honesty, mataas ang posibleng sahod at job security ng mga abogado. According to Payscale, it's estimated that lawyers in the country earn over PHP680 000 annually.
- What do you charge to set up my Living Trust and what does that fee include?
- What do I need to bring with me to our first conference?
- If I have more questions after you set up my Trust, may I call you?
- Can you send me information about Wills, Living Trusts, and Probate?
- #1 – No comment.
- #2 – I'm not at liberty to say.
- #3 – Wait and see.
- #4 – Let me get back to you.
- #5 – I'm sorry, that's confidential.
- #6 – (Sorry) That's personal.
- #7 – I'd rather not talk about it.
- #8 – Mind your own business.
Many professional lawyers believe that real estate law is the least stressful and most accessible field compared to other law fields. A real estate lawyer must learn the basics while knowing the special provisions often repeated across different real estate cases.Why do lawyers work so hard? ›
You can make up for your mistakes by working harder.
Many attorneys who are working extremely hard inside of law firms are doing so to make up for past mistakes. They may believe that they can prove themselves once and for all by putting in a massive effort, over an extended period, to ensure their survival.
It is the kind of information that the client may wish to share with anyone – even their lawyer. The truth is this – a lawyer, any lawyer handling any important legal matter must have all of the facts and evidence in the case to do their job.What are the five tips to talk to a lawyer? ›
- Get organized. Try to create a clear, comprehensive story of your situation. ...
- Be detailed. Seemingly frivolous details like the weather may, at first, seem dismissible. ...
- Be honest. ...
- Ask to clarify. ...
- Keep them informed.
- Lawyers have high standards. ...
- Lawyers are in a very stressful profession. ...
- You will attend fancy parties. ...
- Work tends to follow them home. ...
- Marrying a lawyer means you will have space. ...
- Don't expect romantic gestures too often. ...
- Arguments are going to be one-sided.
So which degree is tougher? One student may say that medical school is tougher while another says that law school is tougher. In reality, it really depends on you, how you learn, and your natural abilities and aptitude of being a student.Is law school so hard? ›
The law school coursework is diverse and vast, which means you can't afford to slack off. You need to put in the necessary work throughout the program if you want to succeed. In summary, law school is hard. Harder than regular college or universities, in terms of stress, workload, and required commitment.Is being a lawyer a happy career? ›
As a whole, lawyers rated their enjoyment of their work environment 3.0/5. Some lawyers are happy with their work environment, but it does not seem to be a meaningful contributer to career satisfaction for most.How do you communicate like a lawyer? ›
Communicate Clearly and Often
It is important to avoid using legal jargon when a lawyer communicates with clients. Using plain language will allow a client to understand the provided information easily. Lawyers should always invite their clients to ask questions and reach out if necessary.
- DO speak calmly and clearly.
- DO use the proper forms of address.
- DO be polite.
- DO stand when you address the court.
- DO make eye contact with the judge when you are speaking.
- DO ask for clarification if you are unclear about something.
- DO thank the judge for listening.
- DO arrive early to court.
- Check verb tense. A singular subject should have a singular verb and a plural subject should have a plural verb.
- Note word placement. ...
- Stay active. ...
- Placement matters. ...
- Use the Oxford comma. ...
- Utilize comma splices correctly. ...
- Avoid ambiguity. ...
- Aim for clarity.
- Question Everything and Everyone, Even Yourself. (via giphy.com) ...
- Open Your Ears Before You Open Your Mouth.
- Come Prepared.
- Try On Their Business Shoes. ...
- Trump Your Emotions with Reason. ...
- Don't Negotiate If You Have Nothing to Offer.
- Avoid the Straw Man. ...
- Use Their Strength Against Them.